In­ter­view with Louisa Scheel, Sys­temic Coach

I had my first pro­fes­sional ex­pe­ri­ence in the media in­dustry after stu­dying busi­ness in Sin­ga­pore and London. That was ex­ci­ting. A few years later, I was drawn back to my home­town Berlin and founded a con­tent mar­ke­ting agency. My pas­sion is sto­rytel­ling. Con­tent mar­ke­ting is sto­rytel­ling for brands. The role of en­tre­pre­neur ex­cited me, but it was also very de­man­ding and brought me to my knees after two and a half years. I was just to­tally ex­hausted. Zen me­di­ta­tion crossed my path and I felt a deep lon­ging for calm and inner peace. I fol­lowed my heart and went to the mo­nas­tery in Allgäu for a week to learn the ba­sics of Zen prac­tice in si­lence from the Zen master. Since then I sit every mor­ning for 25 mi­nutes in power and si­lence and look at how I am in­side and this lets powerfully choose my own path.

Two years ago my life took a big turn. The agency was sold to an in­ter­na­tional agency group and I fol­lowed my he­art’s path. A work that fo­cuses on the de­ve­lo­p­ment of the human being. I con­tinued my edu­ca­tion as a cou­ples the­ra­pist and sys­temic coach.

On average, it takes seven years be­fore a couple de­cides to go to cou­ples the­rapy. Cou­ples often think they can solve the is­sues on their own and it is still wi­de­spread in peo­p­le’s minds that whoever gets help is not strong or clever en­ough. This is, of course, non­sense. What cou­ples the­rapy needs is a little bit of cou­rage. All of a sudden you hear your partner saying what you might not want to hear and that takes cou­rage to face it and grow tog­e­ther.

What I also hear more often is that cou­ples are worried that cou­ples the­rapy could lead to a break-up. Of course, a se­pa­ra­tion can be a so­lu­tion to the pro­blem. Ho­wever, cou­ples the­rapy serves first and fo­re­most to bring cou­ples back into con­ver­sa­tion with each other and to create ac­cep­tance for the part­ner’s dif­fe­rences. Let­ting the other person “be like that”. By the way, the term couple coa­ching is much better re­ceived by younger people. What is the dif­fe­rence? Coa­ching is meant to help lead to a stable and happy re­la­ti­onship, whe­reas the­rapy helps to over­come crises and re­solve emo­tional in­ju­ries.

The ar­che­type of the fa­mily is very strong in the coll­ec­tive sub­con­scious. Ac­cor­ding to the psy­cho­lo­gist Carl Jung, ar­che­types are primal images that have been linked to si­milar emo­tions and as­so­cia­tions for ge­ne­ra­tions. Ha­ving children means be­lon­ging and con­se­quently: not being dif­fe­rent. We all un­con­sciously seek to be­long. In re­cent years, more and more mo­ve­ments have emerged that have taken a cri­tical look at ha­ving children, such as “Re­g­ret­ting Mo­ther­hood”. I also know many women who don’t have such a strong de­sire to have children, but who feel to­tally so­ci­ally ob­liged to have a child. Here, too, I sup­port their in­di­vi­dual path in in­di­vi­dual coa­ching ses­sions to cla­rify this big life ques­tion for them­selves.  

In mo­dern so­ciety, people al­ways want ori­en­ta­tion, a clear path and a goal very quickly. Un­fort­u­na­tely, when it comes to ha­ving children, we don’t get any im­me­diate ori­en­ta­tion. Neither on the out­side, nor on the in­side. It takes trust to go this way. Trust in life itself. In our­selves. Self-love and ac­cep­tance are the key to dealing with our­selves well in un­cer­tain times. Zen me­di­ta­tion, as a si­lent me­di­ta­tion, helps to find one’s own centre, strength and trust. By stop­ping. By being still. Zen brings us to our­selves.

As a couple the­ra­pist, I ac­com­pany cou­ples and women th­rough the tre­at­ment phases and stand by their side with sup­port.

Women in this si­tua­tion often feel in­cre­asingly lo­nely and tend to wi­th­draw more and more.

My ad­vice is to break th­rough the gro­wing iso­la­tion and to stay in con­ver­sa­tion with your partner as well as to ex­ch­ange ideas with other women in the same si­tua­tion. If the de­sire to have a child be­comes so do­mi­nant that it de­ter­mines your whole life and the de­spe­rate fee­ling arises that wi­t­hout a child there is no point to any­thing, then it can be very hel­pful to deal with the fol­lo­wing ques­tions with your partner or alone: “Why do I/we ac­tually want a child? “What does a child mean for my/our self-con­fi­dence?” “How did each of us ex­pe­ri­ence our own fa­mily?” and “What could our life be like wi­t­hout children?”

Zen me­di­ta­tion can help to get cla­rity about these ques­tions and to look deeply wi­thin. Wi­t­hout the noise from out­side. Com­ple­tely with our­selves.

When we en­dure this unknown space on the me­di­ta­tion mat op­po­site us, a new path opens up that we can walk powerfully and with joy. A life-af­fir­ming path. Even if life is so­me­times chal­len­ging.

Be lo­ving with yourself, even if it so­me­times seems dif­fi­cult. Self-care ri­tuals give sup­port. Ex­pres­sing gra­ti­tude for what we have is a won­derful way to focus our brain on the po­si­tive ra­ther than the lack. My ad­vice is to give thanks for what I have be­fore going to bed. This helps us to de­velop a life-af­fir­ming at­ti­tude — even in dif­fi­cult times.

Viktor Frankl said: “If life has any mea­ning at all, suf­fe­ring must also have a mea­ning. What mat­ters is not what one suf­fers, but how one takes it on.”

At Fer­tilly, we have made it our mis­sion to ac­com­pany cou­ples (ho­mo­se­xual and he­te­ro­se­xual) and sin­gles on the way to ful­fil­ling their child wish. In doing so, it is im­portant to us to create trans­pa­rency in the area of fer­ti­lity ser­vices, to pro­vide in­for­ma­tion and know­ledge on the to­pics of pregnancy and fer­ti­lity and to help you to find the most sui­table Fer­ti­lity Center. Th­rough co­ope­ra­tion with first-class Fer­ti­lity Cen­tres and cli­nics in Eu­rope, en­qui­ries about Fer­tilly are given pre­fe­ren­tial tre­at­ment. This means that our pa­ti­ents avoid the usually long wai­ting times and get ap­point­ments more quickly.

If you would like more in­for­ma­tion about Fer­ti­lity Cen­ters, suc­cess rates and prices, please contact us using this ques­ti­on­n­aire. We will ad­vise you free of charge and wi­t­hout any ob­li­ga­tion.